My neighbor Barry loves his gadgets. You know the type; spends half his time watching the handyman channel and the other half in his garage playing with his tools. There's always something going on in Barry's garage. His wife Linda says at least she knows where he is all the time.

"Better in his garage than down at the local drinking hole getting blind!" she'll tell you.

Anyway, three weeks ago it was Barry's birthday and he'd been on about getting a chainsaw. Linda and the kids got the message. Right on cue, a chainsaw found it's way into Barry's garage. He was ecstatic. He couldn't wait to show me.

"Look mate, a new member's been added to the family," he said to me like the proud father he was. " It's going to be a great addition to the family."

"Family?" I replied looking slightly puzzled. "You mean tool collection don't you?"

"No mate, my tools are like my extended family. I love 'em," he announced proudly."This chainsaw's going to take pride of place!"

"What the hell are you going to do with a chainsaw in the suburbs?" I asked. "I mean it's not like you're going to need it to go out and get firewood. You don't even have a wood fireplace!"

Barry massaged his chin and gave me a piercing stare. He paused for a moment and then in a quiet controlled tone he calmly pointed out to me... "Mate, you never know when a storm might hit." Then he held up the chainsaw and with nodding approval said, "This little baby might just become a lifesaver."

"Yeah right mate," I replied sarcastically. "Next you'll be telling me you'll carve your christmas turkey with it."

"Hey good idea," Barry responded with a sly grin. "I'll tell Linda to get rid of the carving knife!"

We walked into his garage with Barry pointing out with great pleasure where his new family member was going to spend most of it's time. "That's where I'm parking it until I need to use it."

"Use it. You'll never need to use it," I exclaimed. "And anyway Barry, if the time ever came for you to produce your chainsaw... and we'd probably all be dead by then anyway... do you know how to operate it?"

"I sure do mate. I did a crash course with a chainsaw expert on the operation and safety procedures of chainsaws," he told me in a forthright manner.

I retorted quickly. "A crash course! You're kidding right. How hard could it be to operate one of these things, I mean, it would be just like using a lawnmower wouldn't it? You just rev it up and away you go."

Barry looked at me with a bemused expression on his face. He almost had a calming presence come over him. I knew this look. In the past it meant I would get a lecture... A "Barry style crash course" in the use of one of his "family members." In other words, I was about to be educated... Barry style, and I hated it when he made me feel like a moron.

"Mate, mate, mate," he started in a smug tone. "This chainsaw can be very dangerous in the hands of an inexperienced user. Do you know how many people are injured in chainsaw accidents every year?

"Well..yeeaaah," I'd reply in a hesitant fashion."Quite a few I suppose." (I had no idea actually.) "I'd say..."

"Thousands!" Barry butted in without letting me finish. "Thousands. Mate these things are lethal in the wrong hands!"

I smiled and said, "Barry I know what you mean. Someone should have pointed that out to the Texas Chainsaw murderer. It would..."

He cut me off again. This time he meant business. "It's not funny mate. Come on. I'm trying to be serious here."

I backed off and said, "Hey, I know. Sorry mate." I then went into serious mode. Barry was the type of guy who loved to give advice. He expected you to absorb what he said. He just loved to explain how things worked. So I listened. He gave me that fixated look before he proceeded.

"Now before you turn on a chainsaw there's a few important safety procedures to consider. For example, after a storm when there's wood and debris lying around and you need to cut it up, make sure One..." he held up his index finger at me.

"You have a proper helmet system. Cover your head, face and ears. Two...gloves...
Three...protective pants and
Four... protective boots with steel caps."

"Got it," I said entusiastically. "But isn't that a little excessive."

Barry came back quickly. "Ask the poor guy lying in a hospital bed with a piece of wood sticking in his head or leg if that's a bit excessive."

"Right mate. I hear you," I said in an acknowledging tone. Barry went on.

"You must read the owners manual. Kickback injuries are common. The manual will help you in avoiding kickback. Make sure the chainsaw has all the safety features like a chain brake, catcher, spark arrester..."

Barry was in his element. He loved this stuff. "Make sure the carburetor is properly adjusted. If it's gas-powered, only fill it when it's cool. Be careful about using a dull chainsaw..."

"A dull chainsaw?" I interrupted. "What do you mean dull?"

"Dull is when the chain is worn. It can happen quickly. Just by hitting the ground you can dull a chain."

"And why is this a problem Barry?" I'd ask again.

By this time Barry was on cloud nine now. He had an audience even if it was only me but it gave him an opportunity to express himself a little.

"Well mate, it's a problem because the extra pressure you apply to a dull chainsaw increases the chance of injury. Remember, safety first."

"Okay, got it," although I still wasn't completely understanding but because Barry was a neighbor and a mate and because I had a habit of poking fun at him a bit, this was the least I could do to make him feel, well, a little important.

"Never carry a chainsaw when the engine is on. Only work on ground level, never from a ladder..." and he went on and on and on. "And finally mate."

"Yeah mate," I'd ask enthusiastically again knowing I was just about at the end of my lesson.

"Never work when you're tired or alone. That's why you'll be my offsider when I'm about to do a job with my chainsaw," he said with a wry smile interspersed with a Fred Flintstone type laugh.

That was a little Barry humor. In fact, it was about as funny as he ever got. A rare moment.


I'd smile and respond "Oh good mate, I can't wait!"

"So mate, did you get all that," Barry asked. "I'll run through it again if you like?"

He was serious. I had to think quickly.

"You know what Barry, I think I heard my phone," I said slowly backing out of the garage. "Listen, thanks for the tips but I've got to run."

And with that, I was "outta there."

I thought about what Barry had said and you know, it started to hit home that yes, a chainsaw is a useful appliance and yes, it can also be dangerous if not treated with a little respect. Do yourself a favor and read the manual. If you don't like to read ask an expert.

We need the Barrys in this world. It's all about balance. I'm sure you know someone like Barry. If not, then maybe I can introduce you to my next door neighbor!