Monday: Get rid of brown leaves and water all houseplants. Buy more houseplants because normal people like them and they suggest maturity. Buy other things she'll like. Sophisticated things. Learn Latin names of above. Buy a new tie for Saturday. It should preferably be visually interesting enough to stimulate conversation should an awkward silence occur. It should preferably not be a pastel colour.

Tuesday: Try to like and be interested in new houseplants. Tell friends and colleagues that Saturday is off because true love waits for nobody, and that the weekly retro-game sessions are getting tiresome besides. Buy a diverse range of coffee and learn strengths and backgrounds. Send spam-text apology to friends and colleagues about retro-game comment. Schedule Frogger tournament for following week.

Wednesday: Clean fish tank. Update fish names in reference to a current popular culture phenomenon but not the scientists working on the Large Hadron Collider. Also, take down periodic table of elements poster from bedroom wall. Actually don't, but plan a humorous justification for your reasoning. Conduct series of DIY experiments, i.e. new shelves in the living room or adding draught excluders to some of the doors; because it's good to be bad at DIY.

Thursday: Book restaurant. Remember to use surname and specify the importance of romance to the maǐtre d'. Water houseplants again. Eliminate next doors cat. Well...at least stop petting it. Drive to Harry's to return his DVDs. Don't take blame for scratches. Ignore his bitter jealousy and get home before Ramsey's new show. Turn off the lights to make Ramsey look more frightening. Turn them on again.

Friday: Take gas and electricity bills down from the fridge and pay them off. Turn off central heating. Assure yourself of how hot you are. Bleach all bleachable utilities and leave windows open. Spend night in. Relax. Read a bit more Jonathan Safran Foer. Make up reason for understanding why it's good. Phone someone for advice and if that fails Google it. Trim fingernails, toenails, those weird nomadic chest hairs that come and go at indeterminate times. Learn to laugh about these.

Saturday: (In order of importance) Lie-in. Realise why that is a stupid thing to write on a To Do List. De-alphabetise records. Polish metallic things only. Shave. Practice scales then hide guitar. Tidy everything. Buy her flowers and learn Latin names. Wait. Pace room. Arrive early but act normal. Compliment the maǐtre d' on most things. Compliment her on everything. Don't bring up your new tie.

Sunday: Write new To Do List.