Question
Hi mark, I'm John.  I bought a house and a dog in Seattle two years ago and since that time I've completely neglected my yard.  The front (north) lawn looks poopy and half Dead.  Can you recommend a ground cover other than grass that will give uniform coverage, that won't require mowing and weeding - or watering -  and that will be the right thickness and density to almost completely obscure my dog's poop?  Buddy is a hundred pound dog.  I also have a tree that craps all over my lawn once a year and kills grass when I never ever pick up a rake.  Are there groundcovers that can survive the leaves? Or- I thought maybe I could have a dirt or bark front yard with bamboo. I've seen bamboo that grows higher than most fences, and I was wondering if it would be possible to plant a low maintenace bamboo lot with shoots spaced out enough to let my dog maneuver, but thick enough facing the street to act like a privacy screen. My yard is roughly 20' by 20'. I never want to work on it after this one time, and ideally I wouldn't want to pay someone very often to work on it for me.  Am I being unrealistic?  What can you recommend to a lazy yard-hater who needs to appease his frowning baby boomer neighbors?

Answer
John,

Alas...the holy grail of the groundskeeper...the perfect groundcover.   
I don't want to crush your budding belief, but it doesn't exist.  

揳 ground cover otherthan grass that will give uniform coverage, that won't require mowing and weeding - or watering -  and that will be the right thickness and density to almost completely obscure my dog's poop...that can survive the leaves."   This is like a  quote from whatever book describes groundskeeper utopia.

The only thing that comes close to fitting those criteria that I've worked with is English Ivy, or one of its more colorful varieties (Needlepoint, Baltica).  It will do most of what you ask, if you wait about 3 years after planting for it to thicken up. BUT THEN you've got to keep it contained in your yard and on the ground after that.  Two or three times a year, you have to cut it away from trees, fences, houses, slow dogs, etc. or it will cover them too.  Small yard...probably one hour per session, one or two garbage cans of debris.

Your idea of providing a screen instead, is a really good one.  This could provide an interesting space for you and your dog, and an improved look for your neighbors.  The right kind of bamboo will do the job.  BUT it needs to be the right kind of bamboo, or  you'll plant a maintenance time bomb.  Here's one site
             ( http://www.bamboodirect.com/ )
that can provide you with good information about which bamboo to choose for this purpose.  There's lots to choose from, but you've got to avoid the ones that RUN.   And even when you plant the clumping kind (v. the running kind) you need to space it so the clumps don't slowly spread to the frowning neighbors' places.

For what it's worth,
Mark in Portland